oN|sTaGe

Omg...Fuck Off!!!!

2008-07-21T16:07:54Z

Ok, don't ask me why I'm writing my journal just suddenly after such a massive break of NOT writing it, because I don't have an explaination...apart from that I really need to vent! And before I get into that, I'm not promising that this journal will become a regular thing again (if it ever could have been considered regular), however I have a feeling that I kinda want to write in it more...infact last week I wrote an entry then deleted it and never posted it (because I came up with the idea that journals were stupid and just there for other ppl to read)...but I've considered my own special case here, and that is no one really reads this journal, it's like I'm typing to a brick wall...so it's not a bad idea to yell, kick and scream at a brick wall when I'm pissed, excited or just bored...so I may just do that.

Anyway so today's activities went as follows:

11:00am: Went to work

2:00pm-8pm: At work listening to my new favourite song "Night Reconnaissance" by the Dresden Dolls (I should also mention during this time I couldn't wait to get home and work it out on piano)

8:10pm: got home after work & started listening and transposing

8:20-9:00: sister calls for homework help

9:00: My stepmom tells me she's going to bed (This is where I consider to continue to play or not because I might disturb her)

And I think I'm going to write in sentences now, coz the above format is hard to write into and crappy. So yeh, I eventually decided that I would just listen and write the chords I thought it was on a sheet of paper, and wait for her to sleep so I could put the practice pedal on and play what I wrote...so I did that and started playing around 10:45? I think...anyway it's now 1:00am and I just finished because my stepmom called out to me and says: "美琳。你还没有睡觉！？" as in shut the fuck up! - Omg it's sooo annoying, I agree that 1:00am is kinda late for most people, but before at 9:00 when I didn't play to be considerate is BULLSHIT....who the fuck sleeps at 9pm!? I only just got home, and I was looking forward to playing all day...God it's just soooo frustrating living with other people...especially my stepmom...I mean I don't complain or be rude when she invites her rudeass shitty friends over when I'm practising guitar, I just stop playing and wait for them to leave...and I still have to endure their rude remarks...like the last one...she walks in and says to my stepmom in Chinese, right infront of my face: "他是男的还是女的？" - I was like....OMG u fucking rude shit!!!! I just sat there while Linda explained to her that I understood Chinese (even if I didn't she's still rude to talk infront of someone in another language she assumes they don't know and insult them) and anyway, the fucking bitch didn't even appologise, instead she continued to ask Linda: "真的我看不出来是男的还是女的" - then just smiled at me....I was like just about ready to slap the asian out of her! Fucking hell...and somehow this was funny to linda...anyway, I went to get a drink about half an hour later, and Linda kinda introduced me to the bitch, and we were talking for a pretty short while and she said something like: "你说中文的时候带东北口音" - so I explained why and then asked her which part of China she was from...and then Linda butts in before she answers and says to me: "That's so rude! You don't just ask someone where they're from!" -I was seriously about to punch the crap out of both of them....it's not as if I asked if she was a woman or not!? - Fuck this is what I mean about living with a psycho....and all I can say is, she better fucking go out tomorrow so I can play and record my transposition becoz if she doesn't, and she interrups or complains, I'm likely to break something, and unfortunately I'm too nice, to allow that thing to be her face!

HAIH!!!!! well anyway, I think that's the end of my rant! - Here's the vid and lyrics of the song in question by the way....it's fucking awesome...if you like this you should download more of the Dresden Doll's stuff...like Sing, Dirty Business, Christopher Lydon, Mrs O, Missed Me, Shores of California, Sex Changes, Good Day, Half Jack and Coin Operated Boy, just to name a few of the BEST!!! hehe

So here you are, enjoy...and goodnight!

Night Reconnaissance - The Dresden Dolls

Nothing is crueler than children who come from good homes
God'll forgive them I guess but whose side are you on
Driving around the old town I remember it all
Dropping my lunchbox and tampax all over the hall

(And they said) you are a socialist cokehead we know from your clothes
You are a Satanist worshipper oh that's evil
Think you're a poet a folksinger poseur nah-oh
A volleyball player you've got to be kidding us all

So we hide from the cunts on our night reconnaissance
Steal flamingos and gnomes from the dark side of the lawn

No-one can stop us the script is a work of genius
No-one has bought the rights yet but we're not giving up
Every unwanted lawn jockey fits in the script
Directed by spielberg and starring the masochist club

Mary you look like hell
Stuck in that ridiculous shell
Give us some light and god's pure love
We know what you've been dreaming of
Give us some light and god's pure love
We know what you've been dreaming of
Give us some light and god's pure love
We're taking you to Hollywood

"HOLLLLEEEEEEEEWOOD!!!!"

So we hide from the cunts on our night reconnaissance
Steal flamingos and gnomes from the dark side of the lawn

One is a socialist cokehead we dress in my clothes
One is a Satanist worshipper of things evil
One plays a poet who starts up a band of his own
One is a volleyball player with both her wrists broke

we hide from the cunts on our night reconnaissance
Steal flamingos and gnomes from the dark side of the lawn
And we give them good homes give them love they've never known
In the loft of the barn in the town where I was born
In the loft of the barn in the town where I was born
In the loft of the barn in the town where I was born

cheung_mei_lin @ 2008-01-11T03:07:00

2008-01-10T16:53:47Z

WISHMASTER
BY
Night Wish

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Elbereth
Lorien

A dreamy-eyed child staring into night
On a journey to storyteller`s mind
Whispers a wish speaks with the stars the words are silent in Him
Distant sigh from a lonely heart
"I`ll be with you soon, my Shalafi"
Grey Havens my destiny

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Silvara
Starbreeze

Sla-Mori the one known only by Him
To august realms, the sorcery within
If you hear the call of arcane lore,
Your world shall rest on Earth no more
A maiden elf calling with her cunning song
"Meet me at the Inn of Last Home"
Heartborne will find the way!

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Wishmaster
Crusade for Your will
A child, dreamfinder
The Apprentice becoming...

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Master!
Apprentice!
Heartborne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wishmaster

Finding A Release...

2008-01-10T16:20:13Z

I need a place to release my anger and pain! Pretty Hard to do this at home (already just about killed my eardrums by listening to Opera Metal too loud through headphones) and well piano isn't really an instrument you can bash to death (or I'd prefer not to)...nonetheless I have a fuckload of anger that I need to let out somehow...because it's just making me more and more depressed and possibly nearing going crazy...

Meanwhile...I'm going to continue to listen to opera metal and wait for my eardrums to blow! (hopefully they'll blow before something else does)

Reminiscing is Bad...Very Very Bad...

2008-01-09T16:29:49Z

Hmmmm facebook has made me unhappy....(now that I know how to use it)....I used my old hotmail address to quickly add all my contacts from that addressbook...and well it worked...but also dug up a lot of memories etc...made me think what life for me now would be like if I'd taken different roads in high school...and made me think about a lot of people I WAS close to, but then drifted apart from...in particular these are:
-people who I used to see frequently and have a good time with, who I haven't seen for years, and when I bump into them it's just a "Hi, long time no see?! How are you.......Ok I gtg meeting someone take care alright"-the full on 'acquaintance greeting that I receive very often from people who were at one stage a LOT more than acquaintances.
-guys who I liked in high school who I knew would never want to be with me, so I just had my secret crush...and now they are with people that I though were well below myself in the ranks...
*and the list goes on*

But what hurts a lot is seeing where those friends ended up, and looking at pictures of a group of people who were once very close friends of mine all together and happy....living what seems to be a great life...I guess in a way I'm jealous...I know there's a reason why we drifted apart etc, but there's still a part of me that thinks...."If I hadn't dedicated so much of my time in the past to *one* particular friend and focussed on building and maintaining my friendships with my other friends, then maybe I would be in those photos and be leading that almost "happy" life...I know that before I was quite content to spend all my time with that *one* friend....but now he's dead, I wonder why I didn't take out friendship insurance...and I regret many things, because if I HAD taken the proper precautions, then I wouldn't be feeling like this and hating my life...and I wouldn't wish to have other peoples' lives.

haihh...Anyway....

~88~

Time....Time for a lot of things...

2008-01-08T13:40:38Z

Ok so livejournal tells me I have writer's block...possibly...although I think in a more general sense, I have what's called "life block" - so many things have just come to a stop and are waiting for me to act on them, or waiting for some unknown force to come kick it in the butt and set it off again. I dunno...the unhappiness has set in again, and I'm all "feeling sorry" for myself again....shit. (lol, like I need to feel sorry for me, there's a whole army of people chewing up their phone credit doing that for me!) - I dunno....just trying to be optimistic, but it's hard when all you want is still something you have to wish for.

In the same way, I've been focusing on some things to get my life back on track...mainly these things are as follows:
-don't work around the clock, knock off at knock off time, take my shit home and read it/learn it in comfort...[I just feel the pressure of my life is getting to me lately, and also taking a toll on my body, need to relax more often, although I'm strapped for time, there are still wasted opportunities.]

-do more exercise [put on weight over Christmas, hating myself for it, and wanting to be in general healthier...the plans in action for this goal are: joining the uni badminton team this year, I quit smoking, setting an exercise schedule 3/4 days a week, and sleeping + eating better]

-find a boyfriend [so over all the shit that I had to deal with to do with relationships in 2007 (even the recent ones). It's time to move on, and I just want to find a guy who'll be there for me, love me for who I am, and have some sweet attribute that will make me love him back....that's all I ask....is this so fucking hard? Or am I like that bloody unlovable...don't get me wrong, millions of guys are going after me, the problem is, they all seem to be either assholes OR jerks....hmmmm how to choose *rolls eyes*]

-create some sort of balance in my life, balance between: work, study, sleep, eating, relaxation and exercise...[I need everything to be equal, I'm sick of this run-down feeling that I feel after every day...I'm only 20, not 45, and I don't need to get grey hair any time soon!]

Anyway, that's enough of an update for now, hopefully that's fixed my writers block according to livejournal...and maybe it'll bring some sort of luck into my life....

(also ppl....STOP asking me about NY ok? It absolutely SUCKED *apart from the people I was with* there was no reason to have a NY, so yeh....actually if I had the power I would remove the sun permanently from the sky so that no one even knew when NY was...but I don't have any power...so that will remain a theory....)

Bye 4 now
~美~

Aiya...wtf? What is wrong with my phone?

2007-11-16T16:21:43Z

Ok...strange things a happenin' - I think it was Tuesday, but anyway sometime this week my mobile set it's time back to the 11th Nov, Sun at something like 2:15am...I was like....right....wtf? So then I set it back to the right time again...and the next day....I noticed that the same thing had happened it was back to 2:15am Nov11 Sun-I soo don't get it...I originally thought it was someone at work (mainly Wilson-lol) just playing around to piss me off, as a joke...but then today I checked after work..and sure enough same thing had happened, so i waited till I got home and set it back to right time...then forgot about it...So, I've been waiting for someone's call for ages right...and he just called...so I hung up the phone to only find out that "WOW_Surprise Surprise NOT! It was Nov11, Sun 2:15 again! WTF!?????! now unless I have a ghost in here trying to drive me insane, then I have no idea what is happening...the only logical explainations I can come up with are, the way the phone auto updates the time is buggered, either in my phone, or via the satellite or however it updates...and I would have thought if that is the case, then EVERYONE's phone would be on Nov11, Sun 2:15am...and people would have realised and fixed that by now! The other theory I have however, is that the manufacturers of my phone made it so that I can only use it properly for one year, and then the callendar/clock etc fails and I have to buy a new one...(nice!) - Seriously, I'm not sure what to do...but I know it's driving me mental...Aiya....how to live with a phone that won't tell the right time!? geez...

Anyway...enough...the more I talk about it, the more it pisses me off...also if anyone has any advice what to do, then please post a comment and tell me!!! plz...(btw...Rick just told me to go to google and check there, but I found nothing...so that option's already been explored...)

~meanwhile...I think I'm doing my usual thing...looking for a guy because I'm lonely...either that, or I'm just somehow finding a LOT of guys around me very attractive and noticably interested in me....the biggest problem of all is, the one guy that I would consider is I'm pretty sure a playboy...so sweet...and also I don't think I should be getting into another relationship now anyway...aiya...I think I have a disease...can't stay single for long enough...but on the other hand, I feel I should be out there trying to wade through all the guys and find the one that's right for me...as u see, I'm kinda already 20...and it's freaking me out...the more I think about it, the more I think I'm going to get old and die a spinster!!! AIYA!!! no way! This CAN'T happen to me!:S

Anyway....sh**...I'm sooo scared now! I think I'm a freaky person....really...and I look for things for the wrong reasons...I only hope that one day, while doing this I'll stumble upon someone who is the right person...and it'll somehow cure my disease....:S

~Help~

嗯。。。我想我好久没写中文了。。。到天该写几句。。。

2007-11-14T14:12:01Z

嗯，最近比较么忙。。。天天打工，回家读书。。。但是我要是要成功那必须得努力准备，努力工作。今天跟Wilson一起讲我将来的目的，讲了两个小时，我们俩都要四十岁之前退休，还有他的目的也挺像我的一样。也许有一天他会帮我开自己的公司。我想了好久，发现了我挺喜欢盖房子，还有用房子做到investment，所以呢,我想做Property Developer会是挺合适我的一个职业。而且，以后我自己也要有挺多的investment property，希望他们都能赚得比较多，因为我要自己盖一个大房子，住在那儿。这就是一些我将来的目的，思想，等等。。。但是现在好了一点儿，因为有这些事情能好好想一想让我觉得我要继续活着。。。人们必须有目的，必须像明天的事，不怎么做那就没有动机，就不想继续活着。。。我这个人，就希望我下一次不想活着的那时候，能想到这些事情，再给自己一点儿动机。要是能这样，那我就会开心一点儿，知道我将来不会像现在生活的怎么差，可以期望一些。。。

嗯好的，我明天早上上班，所以呢，就写到这儿，

~美琳~

THE ULTIMATUM

2007-11-11T15:15:54Z

Right finally I've decided on a fair decision to my predicament...2008 is the deciding year...pretty much it's like this...If 2008 goes "ok" and by OK I mean no deaths of people I love, no bullshit from friends, no crap uni/work experiences that affect the future, and no anything alse that requires me seeing a therapist or doctor...then I will consider my future, and hopfully sometime in 2008 I will have found true happiness in some form. Otherwise I think it's only fair that I should be able to decide my fate...without it being considered rude, selfish etc, because I'm not going to live a life of unhappiness, and I'm not going to continue this way forever...I don't care if people think this is sadistic or whatever, they're not me, and they don't know what it's like to be me. They also don't know what's underneath my personality or the things I think about that I don't write down, or the way I feel when I fake a smile. You may be my friend, and you might know one side of me, but you won't ever know the "real" me, and that's probably the way it should be, unless I can find a way to make myself happy...in which you may start to understand what kind of person I really am. But for now...I'd like to add a few things that really fucking piss me off, especially lately:

- People who you are nice to, go out of your way to help and they never return the favour, or never even appreciate it and just take it for granted (if you're reading this, and you're thinking "Is this me?"-don't worry it's probably not, because these people don't even give a stuff enough about me to read this journal-even though I read theirs)

- People who give you unasked advice about a situation they've never been in, don't understand but pretend to and ultimately have no fucking idea what it's like to be in the situation, but give this somewhat "holy, divine" advice that is meant to make me feel better, or meant to make me calm down about certain aspects of what the situation is...to those people, all I can say is, I hope something like this happens to you one day, and I'll be the one there giving you bullshit advice, and telling you to "get over it" and "move on with your life" and I'll also pretend like it's an easy thing to do, and that I've been there and done it before, and just make u feel worse because you can't accomplish what the "MAGNIFICENT ME" did.

- My Dad, for never being here for anyone, and even when he's here just being an asshole and paying attention only to his wife and not an ounce to me, and also whenever she asks my opinion on somthing and I give it, my Dad always shuts me down, and says something like "yeh, well we don't care what you think, it's my decision", or "I'm not making plans involving you, you'll move out soon, and not when you're 65 either, in the next year would be good"

- My Stepmom for getting some sort of pleasure out of these above situations, and for deliberately making me feel like I do nothing and never saying "please" and "thankyou" and just expecting I have to put up with her Sh**, and also for telling everyone that "Oh. Meilin doesn't clean, I do it all" or...laughing when my mum says something like "Actually Meilin's pretty clean and tidy it's Brenton that doesn't lift a finger around the house"

- My Mum for living in the past all the time, if it wasn't for this I'd probably be living with her right now. I'm just sick of the emotional blackmail and the using that she does...she's a lovely person in many respects, but I can't fucking stand the complications that come with that.

- Myself, for not finding a way to be happy yet, and for not deciding to end my life sooner before all this shit got worse...also for being too compassionate and caring about other people's feelings who don't really give a stuff about me, and even those that try to care, have no where near the amount of love for me that I do for them, and yet still can't see a difference.

Personally I think the rest of the world is blinded by their own individual happiness and "being busy" to be able to see the true form of someone elses grief and demise...There are some that can see the surface, but that's all they'll ever see, because they either don't want to or don't care enough to actually try to help or dig deeper into the problem...however when something similar happens to them, they expect you to be there and be helping them through their situation.

I'm sick of selfishness and I'm sick of false friendships...however I can't seem to turn myself into one of these people, not even enough to give them back all the shit they've dealt to me...so If I can't be like that, and I can't handle other people treating me like this...then at the end of 2008, and nothing has changed...what other choices do I have left? And you know the ironic thing...most of these people will start to understand how I feel now, but only after it's too late... and then people will do the same to them....give them false situations and false advice and then these people will be lead into my predicament....and honestly I don't really see another way...when you lose something that you loved and had no control over saving, you don't feel like living anymore, infact you don't feel like doing anything anymore...it's just unfortunate that the more people realise this, the more people will start to feel in the same predicament, because they realised too late...I don't know maybe I'll even start a revolution of suicides...but I doubt that many people love/care enough about me to even get near the situation I'm in now, and well lucky for them...

I WILL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK - DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In catholic school
As vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black
And I held my tongue
As she told me, "Son,
Fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about
Because we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
***

V FOR VENDETTA

2007-11-06T14:57:34Z

*Saw this movie at it's first screening in Adelaide with my brother, it is the most AWESOME movie ever made, and something a few days ago made me look up videos to it on youtube....so here's a video with clips from "V For Vendetta" put to one of my favourite songs by Depeche Mode, Remixed by Mike Shinoda "Enjoy The Silence"....If you haven't seen this movie yet, you better go rent it...It's beautiful*

"Remember, remember, the fifth of November,
the gunpowder treason and plot.
I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot"

"For The Blood Is The Life"

2007-11-06T14:42:46Z

FORSAKEN
(DISTURBED)

[Originally wrote and performed by KORN]

I'm over it
You see I'm falling in the vast abyss
Clouded by memories of the past
At last, I see

I hear it fading
I can't speak it
Or else you will dig my grave
We fear them finding
Always winding
Take my hand now
Be alive

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone

I'm over it
Why can't we be together
Erase it
Sleeping so long
Taking off the mask
At last, I see

My fear is fading
I can't speak it
Or else you will dig my grave
We fear them finding
Always winding
Take my hand now
Be alive

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone

You see I cannot be forsaken
Because I'm not the only one
We walk amongst you
Feeding, raping
Must we hide from everyone

Everyone
Everyone
Everyone [fading out]

Too Late...

2007-11-03T20:21:02Z

Apologise - One Republic

I'm holding on a rope
Got me 10 feet off the ground
I'm hearin' what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down
But wait
You tell me that you're sorry didn't think I'd turn around and say:

That it's too late to apologize
Too late
Said it's too late to apologize
Too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat, it's nothing new
Yeah
I loved you with a fire red now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry, like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize
Too late
Said it's too late to apologize
Too late

I'm holding on a rope
Got me 10 feet off the ground

LIFE WITHOUT YOU ISN'T WORTH LIVING

I wish I could apologise, and I wish you could be here to apologise to me too...

:'(

nothingness

2007-10-22T12:20:00Z

There's a certain point where:

What you have is never enough,

Where you are isn't where you want to be.

The future you wish for is undefined. . .

What you had you'll never have again,

And, when you had it you took it for granted.

Who you are isn't who you want to be,

Who people think you are is someone you don't recognise

How you feel is sad, angry, defeated, and alone,

There's no one to blame, and no one to left to explain,

Just you, the world and all the pain. . .

cheung_mei_lin @ 2007-10-07T02:18:00

2007-10-06T16:51:19Z

Where Is The Love~Mojave 3

Jennifer says that you've changed
She says that you're talking so strange
She laughed when I told her I'd messed
You around, tried to be kind when I cried

Where is the life that we had
Where is the love
Where is the hand that I held
Where is the love

Sister don't ask me
I'm a fool I'm a liar
And I can't see home

I saw you last week when you cried
You threw me aside with a line
Wish that I could just tell you I care
I love you I need you and I'm still scared
Cathy I'm cold I don't mean to be bold
But I need you to find me again
I'm wasted I'm fried I'm a fool I'm a liar
But I need you to hold me again

Where is the life that we had
Where is the love
Where is the hand that I held
Where is the love

Sister don't ask me
I'm a fool I'm a liar
And I can't see home

Where is the life that we had
Where is the love
Where is the hand that I held
Where is the love

Hard To Miss You...

2007-10-06T15:12:50Z

Mojave 3 ~ Hard To Miss You

Wish that I could make you laugh and make you feel whole again,
I can not lay here on this line.
Wish that I could see you now, standing there without a care,
I guess you'd make me smile.
I'ts hard to miss ya, it's hard to miss ya...

They say the world's a smaller place but they dont' say it to your face,
it's a pretty stupid thing to say.
I don't feel it in my space, I don 't feel ya in my space,
I just want to see ya in my space
It's hard to miss ya, it's hard to miss ya...

Feeling W e i r d + emotional

2007-10-04T14:26:12Z

Ok, feel fucking crap today....I really can't understand....is there something jinxed about today? I don't know if it's coincidence or whatever, but everything has been reversed, or just soooooooo déjà vu I dunno....but it's pissing me off...For starters...I've been kinda feeling weird all week over something stupid (well at least it seems stupid), but I haven't seen a movie in a cinema with ANYONE since Nick died, and we saw a movie a week before his death, I also haven't watched the OC since the day before Nick's death when I finished the end of the second series (coincidentally Nick lent me this to watch-and he also didn't know how far into it I was) - So anyway, the other night, my Sister went to my house to have dinner with my Dad, and she brought back the OC to watch, I didn't actually think much about this, until she started watching it, and I walked in a few times, and kinda re thought a lot of the comments I said about the show when I was watching it, and how stuff like that doesn't happen in real average people's lives....anyway, so that wasn't that big, just thought about how it's weird, the day after I finish watching a really EXTREME drama, that just about everything that happens in the OC happened to me starting from the day after....The movie thing, well we'd planned for a week to go and see a movie today, well that's why I was a bit nervous, because I dunno, just saw soooo many movies with Nick, it was our thing, infact I pretty much NEVER went to the cinema without Nick (barr a few times with my ex.) so I've been feeling kinda worried in a way all day....we got to TTP, did a bit of shopping, and then surprise,surprise my mum started getting pissed at my sis, because they were looking at shoes or whatever and she was supposedly "being like me" and "being stupid like me" which I find highly annoying for someone to say, when I've done NOTHING wrong....I mean, WHY does EVERYTHING have to be my fault....anyway, I couldn't handle much more, so I just walked off by myself, and pretended to make a phone call to distance me from mum....then she comes back to outside Sheppards Jewlers, where I was standing and just randomly (NOT PISSED AT ALL....like COMPLETE change of tune) goes "I want to show you something", and walks into Sheppards....I'm like...."ummmm you weren't even in this store how do u know u wanna show me something", she's like, well I want you to pick a stone you like, so that I can make a set for you....I'm like "ummmm,....ok....." - so picked something, then they didn't have what I wanted, and we're about to leave and mum points to this ring, and says, "that ring would really suit you..." I looked at it, and i'm like...."crap, that's pretty much everything that I want...there sitting staring me in the face" - but anyway, I still have no idea why mum is doing this....(and it's not a bday present...so yeh....8-) also she's not rich) - so I try on the ring etc...it's nice, somehow fit's PERFECTLY on my finger, (the one where I would want to wear it) and just played the part....I was like....ummm ok....thought nothing of it, then I'm like...."ok mum, so I like things like this....we gotta go meet the boys downstairs, lets move...." then she's like...."hmmmm ok, you like it....<to the lady> we'll take the ring please" - I'm like WTF!!???? WHY!? if it's not a bday present (and at that price it should be like 5 21st presents rolled in ONE!) then wtf if going on....??? anyway, seeing she was still semi pissed at me, and I couldn't understand what was going on....I just went along with it....got the ring, was forced to wear it from when we bought it, rather than put it in the box, which i would've done...and we left (also I'm not an impulse shopper, and usually shop around to see what I like and check the options out....but yeh anyway....) so then we went off to get the boys.....or so I thought.....we walk past another store selling jewlery, and mum's like "oh, lets just look in here, we might find something that goes with the ring!!!!!" I'm like "ummmmm.....u do remember how MUCH the ring costs yeh? I don't think I really NEED anything else...." - she's like, "well I need to get you a set, and a ring isn't a set is it? It needs something to go with it..." now I'm thinking that my mum is on drugs....she's pissed at me, but going on crazed shopping sprees for me instead of yelling and screaming...and all its doing is making me feel worse....so anyway, we look, and don't find....UNTIL...<mum> "OH, NATALIE...look at this watch, it's absolutely GORGEOUS~~!!!" - <me> "yeh, pretty nice....matches the ring I guess" - mum asked how much it was, and when I heard I just decided this had all better stop now, before she dies with no money left in her hand....I'm about to drag her out of the shop, when she says "we'll take the watch...." - I was going to explode in anger right there and then, and go nuts....so I'm like "look at the price....you can't afford it....AND I don't even really NEED it!" - she was like "I don't care, I like it and it matches the ring...." - after much arguing etc, I everntually got her to layby it until Christmas....(so that she has an OCCASION as an excuse....or at least this is what I hope)....but yeh...the shopping sprees are freaking me out....and also making me feel incredibly guilty....so anyway, we finish with the watch buying and went down to meet the boys (45mins late) and all along, because of the guilt I was staring down at the ring she'd just bought me....and it occured to me that I've seen this ring before....and I'm not joking....either in a dream, or one exactly like it somewhere else...and it's been in my possesion before (at least this is what I can sense)...I'm going insane....but I honestly can't really think where I would have seen it before....but I'm also really scared to find out....it's just bugging me though....anyway the jewlery story stops here with me thinking where i've seen this damn ring, and wondering wtf came over my mum.......(also while I was writing the next sections about the movie....mum called me into the lounge to closer examine my ring under the light....this is fucking freaking me out)

moving on....

so we went to see this movie that I've been worried about.....ok....to put an entirely NEW way to freak me out and make me feel even MORE weird and uncomfortable, in the trailers, was a trailer about all these movies that you just HAVE to see in a cinema...then in the middle of the trailer, to my surprise,shock and uncomfort the same James Dean quote that I used in Nick's funeral speach appeared on the screen it freaked me out, it has nothing to do with what they were advertising...and it really set me off....infact I almost cried.....so I've been feeling like this eversince TTP....came home....wrote this journal...and to top it off an make it worse, while I was writing this journal in the space of 5mins I heard two songs from two different adds, in the same addbreak that mum was watching on TV....those 2 songs just happen to have NEVER been in an add before and also aren't new, and not THAT well known...the first was "lightening crashes" a song that Nick sung and video recorded himself singing for youtube....so a pretty emotional song anyway, and the other "Shine On" by Jet...this song was interesting....after the funeral, Nick's singing teacher came up to the McInerney house and said..."hey guys....I think you should listen to this song, I think Nick would have wanted you to hear it...." - so we all sat down and listened to it....I cried soooo much that night....and everytime I hear the song now....it pretty much just reduces me to tears....so that makes my day even better....

I just think that today, of all days has been the weirdest most coincidental and most upsetting day I've had in a long time, and under the circumstances, I can't believe that anyone who hasn't been what I've been through would be upset by it....infact most people wouldn't even notice the difference...

Anyway....I don't want to write anymore about it....it's just freaking me out....but I am worried (and I'm not even a supersticious person....infact I hate that shit!) but I'm scared somehow that after my brother and sister finish watching the OC, that someone else close will die....or something bad will happen....and I almost wanna ban them from watching it...I think I'm going insane, and I seriously think I need to be put away...I don't enjoy life anymore, instead I'm scared by it....

Jet~Shine On

hmmmm...to study med, or not to study med? That is the question...

2007-08-22T03:54:38Z

I think I should be a doctor....been sick for a few days, like vomitting, fever, high temp, sweating, nausea, and coughing, and also importantly very sore throat due to enlarged "lymph glands" (checked that one last night on google....oohh yeh! - google + a brain = specialist of any kind) so I diagnosed myself with Tonsilitis....(all from a hunch that I had, and then I checked the symptoms in a website...and they all seemed pretty much like it) ~ also my hunch was made despite other people's diagnosis...

Chierkh: "maybe you're dying"
Mum: got the flu "it's killed heaps of people already you should have been vaccinated!!!!"
Dad: "you'll be fine, there's just a little bit of swelling, also it's no where near your tonsils!!!" (ok, it WAS my tonsils, but nvm that!)
Jie: flu (although a smarter comment than my mum's!)
Dad2:"could you be pregnant?" (oh I dunno....maybe! *pffftt*)
Linda:"that's pretty normal Chinese people get that all the time, just stop talking for a few days, and it'll go away!"(*rolls eyes*)

DOCTOR: "yeh I think you've got tonsilitis" (you don't say!? amazing that....I'm not so stupid after all!)

~unfortunately I don't get to have them ripped out ( had a little argument with my doctor over this....I was like....well if I get rid of them, then my body can create more antibodies and fight bacteria more effectively, unfortunately he doesn't believe this...he knows of the theory but doesn't think it's true...anyway I don't care, that's one less surgery I need) - good thing I went today and not like next week, and good thing I made myself throw up the second day, because had I not...it'd be Glandular fever (or should I say in my doctor terms "infectious mononucleosis" lol:p) by now. but yeh....the interesting thing is, he said I probably got it because I've been working too hard! God, can't believe this!!! It's true I've been working my arse off the last few weeks...but still didn't know you could get sick from working too hard...and it's not like I haven't been resting etc...I've been getting like 10hrs sleep! Anyway, I'll just treat it with Penacillin and hope to god that by friday it's gone so I can work! anyway....I'm gonna go take a shower....but thought I'd just express how smart I am! lol!:p

Anyway, take care....
~mei~

Emotional Wreck....

2007-07-30T16:44:49Z

Ok, so it's been 2 and a half months already and nothing has changed...I'm still crazy, I still have really bad mood swings, I STILL feel depressed every morning when I wake up, and I still feel hopeless every night before I go to sleep. I can't find the answer, and I can't fix the pain, and I'm fucking angry at myself for not being able to cope with this...there are other people going through pretty much the same thing right now, but I can't seem to do as well as they are...What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm seriously thinking of admitting myself into rehab or something....I dunno....I'm fucking CRAZY......I've never felt this way before....I can go from being really happy and going mental, dancing around etc etc, to just collapsing on the floor crying in like 3seconds....no joke....it's bullshit...i've turned into a nut-job....and I'm soooo empty....I feel like I have nothing left in me, nothing left to live for and also that right now there are SOOOOO MANY problems that exist in my fucking miriad of problems for my life, that I can't handle, don't want to handle and yet am being FORCED to fucking handle right now.......it's fucked up and I can't take it anymore. I just want to feel normal again, I want to hang out with my friends and feel like I used to, I want to ring Macca and tell him I'm sorry....that it was my fault for not identifying better with the problem, I want him to accept the appology and come here with a big smile on his face and give me a big hug......I fucking want my life back.....and I think it's fucking unfair that it was just taken away from me with no notice whatsoever, and just a terrible phone call that ended anything good that I may have ever had.

Fuck this life

Fuck God if he even fucking exists, and if he does he's a prick

Fuck Nick for just leaving me here to be alone and live without him

and Fuck myself for not being better at dealing with this shit.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . >.<

Sleepless In Adelaide...

2007-07-08T18:20:31Z

Great...the last time I slept decently was already a month and a half ago...and the last time I sleept for over an hour was 2days ago...I seem to be developing a weird kind of insomnia/depression...for a start, recently because I've been depressed etc I've fucked up my sleeping habits pretty well...and have been sleeping as late as 7am and waking up at 3/4pm then going out with friends at night to take my mind off of things...So yeh....I decided that this has to change, I need to get my sleeping patterns back to normal....so last night, I decided instead of going to bed at what would've been 9am, that I would just stay up all night, not sleep at all....and hope that tonight I would be really really tired tonight, and could sleep at normal time (being careful that I didn't oversleep tomorrow morning)....Ok so...I didn't sleep a wink last night, just did a lot of crying and listening to Queen and watching Freddie Mercury vids...(which rock btw....and ne one hu doesn't like them is just either detatched from the human world, or soooo homophobic that they have to deny themselves of real pleasure to prove a very stupid and OBVIOUS point....) - [sorry I am just a little peeved after my Mum's comment about one of the world's BEST performers ever!!! - God, I'd just like to see what she'd survive on if it turned out that Elvis Presley was Bi, or Gay....anyway....enough of my ranting...] - So I watched and listened to Queen for a total of a, lemme see...13hrs....then at 2pm, I went to a Kate Miller Heidke concert (actually, I was expecting it to be really really shit....ummmmm I was SEVERELY mistaken!!!!! - seee unlike my mum I can admit to being wrong...) Anyway, she is a legend....her voice!!!! GOD.....she has a VERY VERY good operatic voice, but the style of music, mostly Rock, Folk, Pop Styles (maybe a bit Indie....dunno) really UNSURPRISINGLY suit her voice...and she has a really really small frame, and "out-there" hair style, that gives her the impression of being a crazy little nut-job....but at the same time, sooo cute and talented it's just irresistable...lol....So yeh, ummmm I had to get Freddie Mercury out of my head for 2hrs while listening to her....which was NO problem at all....because as I said....she's great...and DEFINATELY will go places!!!! (esp like her song "Career Advice", soooo sums up what I think of Australian Idol...lol) But yeh....back to the point....so after the concert...went to Mum's house for Roxy's birthday...it was ok I guess...then we played some poker and ppl went and watched TV in various corners of the house....(because my lovely Dad drove to Victor with my aunt today, then I don't have transport....so I had to wait until mum saw fit (11:30pm) to bring me home....(fuck up my SLEEPING plan why don't we....) So yeh, low and behold...being really really tired I fell asleep watching Scrubs on the couch at Mum's house for what they claim to be half an hour (I thought it was longer, definately FELT longer....lol) Anyway....so Mum woke me up and took me home....now I've been home for 4 and a half hrs and I'm still not asleep....it's now 3:41am...so I'm considering staying up all night again....and doing it properly this time....(no relaxing comfortably into a chair...and drifting off before 9pm)....But yeh....how stupid is that? half an hours sleep is somehow sufficient enough to make me an insomniac for yet another night....(no doubt tonight will be much the same as last night, QUEEN + FREDDIE rocking me to awakeness...lol) but yeh....I seriously FEEL like a zombie....I'm tired...but I can't sleep! Like my eyelids are just about closing...but when they're closed my brain can't shut down and go to sleep....I've soooo had enough....I'm way tooo mental atm....Gonna see a doctor and get some more sleeping tablets, bloody Stillnox, Valium, Valerian or that "T" something one, don't work at all.......aiya....I think I've just become a crazy person...really....what's more there's no one online to talk to...and I don't have a car...so I can't go out....*rolls eyes*, how very fun.....I guess I could study....(as Alex said...that might actually make me feel like sleeping....lol) Anyway....gonna stop writing now...considering all I've got is a HUGE paragraph with no spacing and indents...and seriously lacking in grammar with many many sepeling messtakes....(lol)...meh DEAL WITH IT...I'm going to go now and listen to Music...

I'll write back here maybe one day when I have actually had a sleep *rolls eyes".....

P.S. While I go listen to queen....you all should listen to Kate Miller Heidke's "Career Advice"....It's worth it...she's a bundle of fresh talent ready to be poured into the Aus music industry...

Gotta Love it....lol.....

"CAREER ADVICE" - Kate MILLER HEIDKE

I was having a bad week – I crashed the car and the cat carked it
Weighed myself outside Woolies and I’d put on 4 kilos

Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee
I poured my heart out – told her all about
Poor dead fluffy, and the bloody car, and did she think I should go on a diet?

She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say
Just the right blend of sympathy and advice
She took a big breath.
And looked into my eyes and she said:

You should go on Australian Idol!
Even if you don’t win, you’ll have a great time.
Don’t worry that you don’t look like a supermodel
They’re even letting fatties on there now so you should be fine.

I said ‘Thanks, I feel a lot better now’
Then I erased her number from my phone
I didn’t know how much we’d grown apart.

The very next day was my birthday.
No one called, except my grandma
And she was drunk, she just needed a lift home from the pub

Then that Sunday night, I went to dinner with my rellies
They said ‘Happy Birthday! Do you mind if we put the tv on?
It’s nearly the final of Australian Idol and

You should go on Australian Idol
You’re much prettier than her – she looks like a pudding
‘You’ll win it no worries love’ said my uncle
And I just turned and looked at him like he was something that I stood in.

And don’t get me wrong – if I turn on the tv and it’s on
I can’t stop watching. Even with the ads
Even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs
I love to see their spirits crushed, their egos shattered
I love the ones that really suck in the first auditions
I love to watch them sob, their dreams in tatters
And I laugh while I eat my dinner
They’re crying in their 5-star hotel, and I’m cackling on my cack-brown couch
And it’s not that I am jealous, I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous.
The next Sunday, I had a pretty bad hangover

Feeling pretty grumpy
Sitting on the couch, eating Pringles feeling sorry for myself.
I flipped to Channel 10 and before I knew it I was watching a really short guy
Singing that really annoying song by Craig David.

Suddenly I rose to my feet – it must have been divine intervention
I saw the light in front of me, and I screamed!

Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God!)
Am I really reduced to this pitiful state? Jesus!
I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar
Or better still just change to SBS.
You better believe it – I changed to SBS
So Marcia, Holden, whatever your name is…
Shove it up your ass!

Aiya....

2007-07-05T08:36:31Z

Ok....so I came back to writing this thing, after sooo long of avoiding even opening the LJ page...I don't really know what I'm scared of (well I do....but I'm not sure why, because it's inevitable) Anyway...again, I can't sleep properly...I've been unable to sleep until like 5am every morning, and been waking up at like 2pm in the afternoon...I feel like my life is upside down...and I still don't get anything done during the day...It's actually really pissing me off, because I have exams in under 2weeks and I REALLY REALLY need to study for them, otherwise I'm going to fail miserably...I just can't stop thinking about things...I mean there's the obvious things that I think about...and then there's the things that creep back into my brain even after I've FORBIDDEN myself to think about them...and yet, there's also really random, stupid things and theories that take ages to think about and lead to NO WHERE AT ALL, and I'm no better off after thinking about them, than I was 2hrs before I even dreamt up the idea...*rolls eyes* I seriously think I'm going insane....I need to get counselling SOON....but I'm trying to put it off until after exams...FUCK...why is it, that everything I NEED, has to always wait for something inferior like exams to be over, before I can do what I need to do...I absolutely HATE UNI right now, esp the system...I mean if I was dying, I fucking wouldn't be allowed to get out of exams....so that doesn't make any sense...and yet...they seem sympathetic towards my problem....???? I don't fucking WANT sympathy, I just want the guarantee that I will pass, and not have to repeat the same SHITTY subjects again next year! grrrr....:S (ok, now I'm actually crying....talk about emotionally unstable)....I just want people to understand what I'm going through, instead of everyone just telling me shit like "you'll get over it, it just takes time" and "we don't feel much better about it either, but we all have to get through it eventually" - Like half these people have already forgotten about the problem and moved on with their own lives....but they continue to pretend to be sad so they can stay in the limelight of tragedy....(like since when was that even a "cool" thing to do!?) Fuck....I give up....I just want to run away....run from EVERYTHING I used to know, and every ONE I used to associate with....and never ever come back....

Shit*** Sorry....got a bit too emotional back there....I guess this'll probably be happening for a while....but at least I'm writing it down...infact I'm no where finished my ranting....so continue if u want, I'll put the rest under a cut:

So yeh, the other night, I was looking through a box I have in my room, the box has an assortment of random things in it, like things my ex-bf's have given me, gifts from my parents, letters from friends overseas and others that are very close to my heart...and also...suicide letters that I wrote to a bunch of people last year, the last time I decided to kill myself...one would be probably pretty shocked to know that I still have these letters, and well until now no one did know...(don't worry in light of everything that has just happened, there's no way that I'd be as selfish to commit suicide now, even though it seems the only way out....) So I got to reading these letters again...and I thought at the time, that they were a really good explanation for why I "did" or was "going to" kill myself, and a pretty sound apology to people....but when I read them the other night....they looked like the writings of a child, apologising for breaking a vase...they had no where near the depth that I had intended, and also didn't show anywhere as much of the heartache that I had felt at the time of writing them...this got me thinking two things....1. I'm fucking glad that the night I'd decided to kill myself I hadn't succeeded as I was intercepted by the "friendly" SA Police force, and stuck in a high security hospital facility for the whole night, with bitch nurses looking in every 5mins to see if I was still alive....because if I'd just killed myself and left those letters, with not a very good explanation, and NO sense of guilt etc, then I'd never be able to forgive myself, and I'd never expect anyone else to either...So that was my initial thought...and SHOCK as well....

The second thought that came to my head, was a rather graphic one...my best friend of all time, hanging by a neck tie from his balcony....this one, slightly more real *cries*, was actually more in line with reality...and questions kept going through my head about if he'd left a suicide note what would it say...and would it be as shallow and seemingly stupid as the ones that I wrote last year? Would it make anyone feel any better...I mean we've all discussed it...and the general concensus is that if he'd left an explanation as to why, then it might be easier to bear etc etc...but would it? I know that it seems it would, but what if the letters were like mine? could it make it worse? I don't know how this makes me feel now....I just know that whatever the reason...I'm never going to see my best friend again...and I'm never going to be able to talk to him about "why" or the problems we both face in life, or just ANYTHING ever again...and honestly....that's enough to make me think that I'm NEVER EVER going to get over this ... letter or no letter...he's not coming back...and that's something I just can't deal with...I'd do anything to bring him back...but I can't there's absolutely NOTHING I can do....and also, like I said earlier...I can't kill myself or think about it anymore, because it'd be just sooo rude to everyone who loves me, and everyone that is dealing with his death right now....I just feel like he's left me here all alone with no one to talk to, and no one to make me feel better, and no matter what I do I'll never be able to be with him again....or at least not for a very long time...I just want him back...I want to laugh with him, I want to go and see movies with him and help him practice singing again, I want to go for long night drives up to Mt Lofty and just watch as night comes in on Adelaide...I want to ring him up and tell him how hopeless I feel right now...I want to hug him...and I want to be hugged back, and know that everything is going to be alright....It sounds like a lot....but it's what I'm used to, and I want it back....

Never before have I felt so lost, and so sad...and never, not even once, have I lost something this close to me, and this important...and NEVER EVER before have I had such a shock, a shock that u thought wasn't possible...something you thought would always be there with you....but then it just vanishes, and it feels like a dream...a joke, an evil prank...and you know it's going to take your whole life to accept that it's not coming back, and you just don't know if you can deal with that kind of pressure and sadness any longer...I want it to be a dream...and I want myself to hurry up and wake up to my old life when everything although it seemed soo bad, and sooo hard to live with, everything was in light of this, PERFECT...and UNAFFECTED by TRAGEDY....I want that life back, and with it....my best friend...please....

Ok....sorry I need to go...but I'll update later....I didn't anticipate how much writing this journal entry would take out of me....apologies to those with little time on their hands that still read anyway....

love you guys....
xx
MEI

wow...I can't believe I finally feel like writing a journal...

2007-06-20T04:46:13Z

Hmmmm ok....so a lot of fucked up shit has gone down recently and over the last month....one in particular incident has left me feeling as though I need to change my entire lifestyle to get over it. And so, that's in a sense what I'm doing. I've decided that I will defer next sem of uni, and find a full time job, either here, or somewhere else and use it as an excuse to have something to work for (that isn't study) and take my mind off of all the things that are stopping me from feeling good. With that said...I kinda really hope we can move house soon, I just wanna get away from everything that I used to do, or anywhere I used to go etc etc....and this house really doesn't help that...so...I'll talk to dad....but anyway....a lot of changes are in store...

Actually I don't really feel like writing this journal afterall...sorry....I'll continue later...

88~

So then...

2007-05-16T04:13:16Z

I can now VERY happily say that marketing is finished! My project was handed to my group "leader" last night...and is being handed up by her today...(She better not bloody forget!) However I still have a speech to do on this audit...but I think I'll consider that Friday...Right now my main concern is accounting assignment, due tomorrow...*** - Ummm yeh, I've only done Qn1 part a) (which incidentally is 4 typed pages of work...but still there are 3Qns, and the rest look even longer!) - so yeh...I need to get cracking on that...I also need to have lunch....because I'm starving to death right now...and I hate to disappoint everyone, but I only lasted 7days without a cigarette...I'm sorry, but the stress just got to me soooo badly...Yeh, I'll try to give up again after the exam I think...

Meanwhile, I read a short story by Dr Spencer Johnson called "Who Moved My Cheese" (I can't remember WHO sent me this...but I'm guessing it was probably 姐 or Mee Ching or someone....) but yeh, although the story is interesting, it's actually nothing I didn't know before...although just needed some waking up as to help me to STICK to these ways of thinking...So, anyway...If you haven't read it, download it and do so...It doesn't take long, 20mins max...

On other news I've been looking for jobs lately (just part time stuff for extra cash) and no one really called me...(I'm getting used to this...I think my resume must be crap or something...) However my "boss" from the Chicken Bar called me last night, and it was soooo funny because I didn't have a clue who was calling...convo was something like this...

Rene: "Hello!" Me (hearing it was an asian voice and knowing by her tone that I must know them....hoping to find out who it is in the next sentence...: "Oh HEY!!! Long time no see...", "Hello? Do you know who this is?", Me:"ummmm....", Her: "It's Rene....你好美琳！" - Me...(completely freaked out...): "no, still don't know"...Her:"Hutt St Chicken Bar?" Me: "Ohh....Hey....." *Awkward silence* Her:"你回来的时候怎么没有跟我联系哦！" - me:"啊！对不起，我回来的那时候马上去墨尔本了。。。然后，回来的时候学习压力特别的大，所以呢，我就没有过去。。。“- her: "哦，好的，那你这个星期五有空吗？“ - me:"有，我五点以后都可以“ - her:"那你五点钟过来，好吗？“ me:“好的" - 再见"

- ok...kinda weird yeh? Well I still don't know if she wants me to WORK on Fri or not...but I'm taking it she does...*-* - meh...anyway, I don't care....just thinking though, that if I can find a job with a higher wage, then I'm soooo just gonna leave...lol....or just tell her that I can't do the days that I've chosen to work at my other job...lol.

Crap, I really need to get another job...- Grrr....After all these assignments are over, I'm gonna continue hunting...

Anyway, right now I need to get my assignment finished...So I'll write again later...

Take Care Everyone...
And good luck with whatever work you have atm...esp 姐...you can do it! 加油！

~美琳~

Proof that I'm crazy...

2007-05-14T10:14:43Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Aiya....Nuts...

他妈的学习。。。

2007-05-14T09:58:59Z

哎呀，我快疯了！学习压力太他妈的大！。。。我这个星期三得交我的买卖作业，然后星期四也交会计的作业。。。都特别的大，需要很长时间。。。后来下个星期二，我要给一个买卖演说，星期一有中文测验。。。大后个星期有中文的一个演说。。。然后，我得准备考试。。。我第一个考试就是六月十九号。。。所以我只有四个星期。。。死定。。。不骗你，我真的要发疯！俺昨天都哭死了。。。说不了怎么多的压力！。。。哎呀，咋办？

来来来。。。杀死我吧！我已经喝了半瓶红酒，我希望我很快就能喝醉了。。。真的受不了这样的生活！

~美琳~

The Future...and The Present

2007-05-09T15:23:36Z

昨晚上，我准备中文考试的时候，我都决定我一点一定会睡觉去，要不然会起来晚，考不好试。。。所以，一点到了的那时候，我去床的那边。。。但是，我做了一个错误的决定。。。我还拿我的电脑拿到床的那边。。。然后，花了五分钟考虑，我应不应该打开QQ跟“某人”唠嗑。。。我终于决定我等不了明天，必须打开QQ跟他说话。。。我们聊到四点钟，讨论好多的事情，特别是一个现在烦死我们的一个矛盾，然后我睡不好觉因为还在担心那个事。因此，我今早安七点起来了，候感觉特别的困。。。我洗头发去了，然后抓紧最后的分秒时间看了点书。。。我上考试的时候，已开始有点焦急时间不够，我不能把考试都做完。。。但是后来没什么要着急，我不但都做完了，反而还剩十分钟。而且我觉得应该得到挺高的分。。。考完了以后，我跟小梅一起出去吃饭，吃完饭以后回去他的店里看一会儿电视剧。。。然后四点钟走走地回家。。。到家什么都没有干，感觉太困了。。。所以就换衣服了睡觉去。。。我晚上八点半起来了（听到闹钟的声），然后，我看那个闹钟的时候，吓我一条，我以为已经早上八点半，以为来不及了！哎呀。。。太麻烦！！！而且我睡觉，却没有睡好觉。。。我都着急那个事，做梦什么的，所以起来就发现我睡觉的时候都流汗了，皮肤白白的什么的，像魔鬼一样。。。哎呀。。。我快疯了。。。真的，我想太多。。。我才二十岁，已经开始想结婚的那天，生孩子的时候，住哪里。。。太复杂！我不要想。。。越想就越着急。。。（而且。。。我刚发现我有一件白色发。。。不行！我不能变老了！）

但是，刚才跟姐姐和伊菲一起谈我的事，我现在都决定了。。。那个问题最好等到花开了再说，要不然我就是让自己太焦急。。。我们俩要是记得住将会的事还没有确定就好了。。。多想没有好处。

嗯。。。我应该准备睡觉（或者上QQ）。。。所以，说到这儿了。。。下一次再谈，
晚安，

美琳
88

Oh...and I Forgot....

2007-05-08T06:45:34Z

This week...as of this morning, I'm giving up smoking (for good this time...like I made the conscious and willing decision to do so) and also most swearing...I will probably swear when there is good reason too still...but lately I just swear whenever there isn't also....so yeh....but I really need help with the smoking one...it's pretty hard to give up (as I've noticed before...) so any support is MUCH appreciated! 0_o

cheers
xx